It's my gradual descent into a life I never meant

I don't have my personal journal, I took it back to Dallas over the break so I could write down my intoxicated ramblings, but I forgot it there. *JEEEZ, I hope my mom doesn't read it.....she would put me in rehab...

Anyway, I sent Jeff an email saying basically saying that I don't think we should see each other anymore. I never had a problem with the age difference, but I realize that we're at different stages in our lives. On top of that, I can't deal with being 2nd string in a relationship that's simply physical-- (I can't confirm that there's a "first string", but I have a hunch). Either way, it's not good for the view on my self-worth, which are supposed to be getting better with therapy.

I just thought, for once, I could be the GIRL that gets into the physical thing and doesn't fall for the guy. I mean, I know enough about "love" and false neuro-stuff that it does to one's brain. After all, "love is a fictional emotion brought on by pheromones and fear of abandonment". BUT, the same shit happened. I was able to hold it back for a while, but liquor gives you a different kind of courage, the courage to speak what's really on your mind. So, the email was basically stating how I felt, how this whole ordeal wasn't going to work out, and how the ordeal should end.

Please don't think I'm a coward. I can discuss this all on the phone or in person with the guy, but I just feel more confident when it's written. I don't have to worry about changing what I'm going to say in order to by nicer or more eloquent or whatever.

I'm rambling. Rum is getting the best of me. Anywho, it's a pretty uneventful life, but it's my life, and I am happy living (most of the time).

Enjoy your flight

In am in no way ready to be a wife/parent/example.

"Let's get together and talk about the modern age
All of our friends were gathered, there with their pets
just talking shit, about how we're all so upset about the disappearing ground.
As we watch it melt...."

"Disappearing ground": could Jenny be referring to the lower classes that do not have ability to get financial programs to monitor and support their youth? These factors may lead them to drug addiction/dealing. I dunno...I'm brainstorming...and slightly buzzed on the Magnificent Shiner Bock.

And, now, it's sleepy-bye-time. So, think about these social and racial implications (if you CAN analyze this song), and give me some feedback if you can, cause I have a 15 page paper due next friday.

Thank ya, kindly.

humbly submitted,
Linda

...It's been a while since I last blogged on here. And I was reading a few of those entries and BOY are they depressing. I was actually reading through some to see if I could get an idea of the last couple times I went to Mexico. I'm [finally] filing my naturalization application and I need to give dates that I was out of the country. I usually have time to write when I'm in Mexico...I write about family, about the lovers there, about being away from things here. However, I have no idea where I write any of this because it's obviously not on lj.

So, things that have happened in the past whatever months:
- a failed relationship (actually not my fault: the dude went MIA)
- a vow of celibacy (because I didn't want to waste my time with stupid boys anymore)
- almost sabotaging a relationship with a good friend because i didn't know what i wanted
- breaking a vow of celibacy
- moving to Austin
- drinking excessively
- promiscuity (see above)
- another failed relationship
- drugs
- more drinking
- therapy
- moving back to Garland for the summer
- getting my old job offered to me
- applying for naturalization before USCIS (immigration) increases filing fees


And, voila, how time flies. Sometimes I feel like I'm in the same place. Especially when I read things I've written, notes or observations I've made. However, I think I've grown as a person. I still am not sure what I want, but I now know that I want to experience as much as I can before settling down (and, yes, I DO want to settle down... eventually).

That's all for now. :)

Why do I feel the need to engage in self-destructive behavior? I don't think I'll ever understand that.

Girl and boy get drunk in a bar, have sex, and fall in love. That's totally fake. They also don't wake up the next morning and have a pleasant surprise awaiting them. I'll break down what really happens:

Girl and boy get drunk in a bar and have sex. The next morning, girls wakes up and thinks to herself:
1. Fuck, I have a hangover.
2. Wow, that was possibly the worst sex I've ever had. I was so drunk and numb that I didn't feel a thing.
3. Holy shit, that's my ex boyfriend.

Yeah...pretty much.

I've started a new decade of my life. I feel absolutely the same. Hopefully, things will be different.

I didn't do much for my birthday. Mom had to go to Mexico because Anita, this lady that my grandmother was taking care of for the past 20 years, finally died. Lala and I ended up watching Shopgirl on my birthday. Then we went to sleep.

I really miss Leo. October doesn't seem so far away in the great scheme of things, but it's still another month. There are many things that have to be done before then.

Someone, please push me to write my college admission essays. One is due by the 15th of this month which means I won't be able to have my co-worker review it, because it's not enough time. I want to send everything off by next Friday, at the latest. I need to do it if I ever want to get out of Garland. :(

I'm ready for this weekend. Caroline will be in town. Sam and I are going jetskiing with her and her family on Saturday morning. I suppose the rest of the weekend will be dedicated to sitting around, constantly thinking about my essays, but never actually writing them. I need to take Lala to get groomed. I doubt that she'll get an appointment this weekend.

I'm rambling. I'm avoiding my essays. Hmm....I volunteered to teach my neighbor to drive. Maybe I'll let her take me for a spin right about now.

No one's really obligating me to update, but I have stuff that I kinda want to write down.

I guess this entry will be about boys, or guys or whatever.

Leo left on July 10th. We didn't hear from him for almost three weeks afterward when he wrote the first letter. Then, earlier this week, he called from a military hospital where he had pnuemonia. My mom was really worried all week. His fever finally broke, he was discharged from the hospital yesterday afternoon. He's going to be in recovery training for about 9 days and then he'll be reassigned to another platoon. All of this has pushed back his graduation date another 2 weeks, at least. I really want to see my little brother :(

My dad's around, but I don't see him much. I miss talking to him. We used to have good talks. Now, there's no time. It's always lunch or dinner here or there, but that's it. He's going to get married and have more kids and completely forget about me. It's pretty sad to think about, but I guess that's growing up.

My classes are done. The next time you see me, I'll be an associates degree holder. I had a few cute guys in my classes. There was pretty blonde boy in my government class who gave me his number, but it turns out he's only 17 and a senior in high school and he has a girlfriend. So, I'm steering clear of that. Then there was cute genius boy in my world lit class, but he was a little bit too much into his work, which is great, but I need more attention. Finally, there is Steak N Shake boy, who is either extremely friendly to drunk people or just making fun of us all. He gives me free food, which is not why I go up there, he's also really fun to talk to. He finally asked for my number and actually called me. However, I don't think I could date him because he's way to skinny for me. He's like totally adorable, but I would look like a cow next to him and we can't have that.

Hmmm...more guys: Incubus is releasing a new album in November. I'm totally thrilled. I can't wait. If anyone knows of any good shows at the Door soon, let me know. I really want to see Massive Attack in september, but I think I'm a little poor for a big show like that right now. I need smaller venues.

Great...I get to stand outside with a bunch of Indian people at Anand Bazaar tonight. I'm going to smell like outside.

Wow, I read that and it was like a fucking blow to my side. And then I read it again and each time I did, it hurt in a different place. I want to ask "why," but there's no point. Who am I going to ask? Who is going to give me an answer?

Fuck.

My tongue doesn't hurt like hell anymore. I was able to munch on chocolate today, and chocolate is always a good thing. I think the swelling is going down also. My lisp was noticeable at work, but hopefully tomorrow it will be gone. I would say that I hope the piercing is worth it in the end, but I didn't get it as any type of investment.

So it turns out Lala did indeed bring fleas into the house. I have been waking up with numerous bites on my arms and legs. I have 18 alone on my left leg and foot. I've washed my sheets, vacuumed the carpet, sprayed stuff. We'll see how I fare tonight. My dad still has Lala so her and Babe can play together. I'll have to get her groomed when she gets back home.

I've been thinking more about relationships. Pretty soon, it will have been a year since I've been "officially" single. Granted, I've had my bumps in the road, but I've had a lot of time to myself as well. I've just been thinking about guys in general. The guys that have been in my life; the ex-boyfriends, the heartbreaker(s), the weirdo(s), etc. I could tell myself that I'm not really ugly or intolerable, but then I would not be able to explain some of the men that I've encountered and how I manage to attract them/drive them off.

Sometimes, I just want to talk to a professional to see if I'm all there. I think I am. Seriously, I think so.

You know what? I keep complaining that I'm alone and that I just wish I had someone around to hold me and kiss me and say pretty things to me. When a nice guy comes along, I completely run in the opposite direction. This just goes to prove I'm not ready to be in a relationship.

Caroline also said something that has just made me think. I'm beginning to think that the issues I have with myself are part of a bigger problem that I must sort out by myself before getting involved with someone who will take advantage of my weaknesses. It's a long process, but I can't be somebody's doormat, not anymore, not again. There's always the resolution that I will focus on my studies and be more involved with my work. I can "decide" on that, but actually acting on it is a different story. If I could harness all my romantic energy into the desire to perform well in school, my GPA would improve and I wouldn't be so worried about getting into the school of my choice next semester. I have hope again. I've come a step closer to deciding what I want to do once out of school. I've decided on a school, if they'll have me. I just need to concentrate.

You know what I saw today?

Have you seen those movies where some yankees come to Texas and see the lady with huge bleach-blonde hair and enormous rings on every finger? Yeah...I saw her today.

I went to the bank and, lo and behlold, there was a true Texan women in front of me. Tall (made even taller by the poofiness of her hair), hot pink outfit, hot pink purse, hot pink manicure to match, and all of the Tiffany's silver she could fit on her hand! As it turned out, she was parked facing Coco in the parking lot and before driving off into the sunset , she put on her hot pink sunglasses. Her license plate frame read as follows:
"I wish I was Barbie, That bitch has everything!"

Seeing this lady today made me happy. She made me forget about my prolems for that short while.

i think this is the most boredom i've experienced in one day. blaaaah

and i believe that's going to help me do what i've been wanting to do for a long time. something i should have done a long time ago.

this is to follow up last night's entry, which my legions of fans have already viewed and given praise for, I'm sure.

Much to my dismay, the University of Texas at Dallas, the place where my collegiate efforts will now be focused, does not offer an English major, nor does it offer a mjor in any foreign language. So...that forced me to look into other options, which is something I generally do no like to do. However, the public administration major sounds applealing, as does sociology. Not a whole lot of math required for either one which is a definite YAY.

At this point, only time will tell the future of my college-ness. There are many different and interesting things to study out there. I'm liking public administration, but I need more de-tails. I'm getting excited...have I actually decided on a major?? ok, not officially, but it's close. I can feel it! :D

So, I've decided that SMU is not for me after all. I'm not going to apply. I'm not going to bother with trying to get the recommendation letters in a week to make the priority deadline. I really don't even want to go to school anymore, but I keep hearing that would be wise. What I want to do is wait until I turn 20 and try to get a job with Southwest Airlines and maybe take some online classes from DCCCD. However, I keep hearing that a college degree might be wise, and that annoying little conscience of mine is still alive despite heavy beatings and threats. So instead of trying to WOW someone with my school or with my degree, I've decided that, yes, I will finish college, but I will study whatever the fuck I want to. Not law, not medicine, not something that I would be unhappy doing. So I've come up with an array of majors which include english, communications, social services or maybe a foreign language. Hmph.

one day, i will be satisfied.

and writing an entry about my father.

he called me today. that's funny cause i called him almost three weeks ago asking him for a copy of his tax return so i could complete my fafsa. i left messages on both of his phones and i finally had to call jennifer directly and go pick up the copy from her house. my dad didn't call me until today.

so the message he left me went something like "how are you" and "i miss you" and "i love you very much, m'ijita, and hopefully you're not busy this sunday so i can take you out to dinner"...blah.

i called him back, and surely enough, he didn't answer. so i left him a voicemail that went something along the lines of "hey dad, you never returned my call, but i need money." am i being a bitch? too bad. men are stupid. i thought i would be able to rely on my daddy, but i know where his priorities are.

i would try to write about something happy here, but i cant think of it.

life has been uninteresting as of late. well, kinda.

so, my dreams of going to school in seattle are crushed. apparently, the deadline for fall admission was feb 15h. we'll see if any of my other choices work out....

i am still going to seattle for phi theta kappa's international convention at the end of april. and i dont think i will have to pay as much as we were originally quoted!

i still havent been able to figure out what's going on with corey...is it a date or is it just friends? i'm eager to know. he suggested ice skating. i like ice skating.

i keep wishing that things will work themselves out. i might be making more money here soon if i decide to upgrade my position to "paralegal" but that is gonna be a stressful pain in the assssss. i dont know how i'm going to afford my car next year unless i shed out of this body and grow into a stripper's body.

uhhh....i really want to go shopping. i still need a durable, all-purpose brown purse. coach would be nice, but i dont have 300 extra dollars laying around and people owe me money...soooo, i might have to settle.

hmmmm...no other real news. i think my piercing is infected...which is kinda gross when it's on your face. :(

and i smell like barbeque, which i do not like when i washed my hair and have to go out tonight.

yeah..that's all.

so what if i bite my nails? i've decided i'm not going to try to fight it anymore because it just becomes a letdown. my nails get longer and i trim them all nice and purdy. then something happens...and next thing i know, they're gone. dissapointment...yes, over something small like that. i don't know. i guess it's just one of those things...those little things that matter so much.

you know what? guys are really pussies when they get sick. it's like they have a cold and they stay home from work/school and go see a doctor. and then they get soup. pssh..babies.

lala is "in season" as they would call it. i still have to research how long this will be going on....i let her out this morning and within 5 minutes, there were five dogs on the other side of the fence. i hope this doesn't last long cause i will have to watch her soooo carefully and i really cant rely on my brother to do the same when i'm at work or school. i need to find her a nice poodle boy. suggestions????